Lockdown in Lokkdownia

A report from the strange world of Lokkdownia. What's happened to us over the last year?

Well, here we all are. We find ourselves, pretty much where we were last year at this time, only this time, things are different. So, it’s time to reflect, to reflect on what’s going on, what was going on, and what we think or hope might be going on in the near (?) future.

Day 15.

Well, this is an odd situation, right enough, but it’s a piece of piss, in reality.

We’re all shut up indoors, and that means one thing...yes, we’re all pretending to work, but every couple of minutes there’s a notification from Facebook, or Twitter, alerting me to the existence of something that just demands my attention. Unfortunately, a few days into the whole pandemic, my attention was drawn to something which was the first sign that things were possibly not as great as I thought they were. Yes, called to the computer, I checked my twitter account to see that there was something excitedly bouncing up and down, begging for my attention. A video. Just another video, I thought. But no, this one knocked me for six. This was a video which, unfortunately, introduced the idea for the first time that my lockdown wasn’t going to be the cakewalk I had assumed.

Too late to stop myself, I opened the link which took me to a video of a woman with a formidable forehead. Honestly, you could project films onto that thing. Maybe it’s the angle. Maybe, having been in lockdown for only 6 days, she’s yet to discover the best angles at which to film herself when doing facetime-y things. Well, she’s got time to learn. We all have.

It turns out she’s famous. The new Wonder Woman, apparently. I don’t remember Wonder Woman having that much flesh on show. Certainly not on her forehead. Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that the video gave me nightmares for months. A bunch of Christ-knows-whos warbling, off-tune into the camera. Shit. If this is what awaits us after a period of 6 days, then humanity is doomed.

Month 2

Is it? It might be more than month 2. I can’t remember. I’ve got it marked down in my diary now, but I don’t know where my diary is at the moment. Things have moved in a different direction. I still partially blame that video of people singing ‘Imagine’. That still stops me from getting to sleep most nights.

Forrás: AFP

Not that I need to sleep most nights. I get enough sleep when I need it. It’s all very ‘Om’, and Buddhist, isn’t it? Really natural. Now that I don’t have to go anywhere. Well, there’s nowhere to go, is there? But, now that I don’t have to go anywhere, I’ve become much more of an earth child. I’m really in touch with my chakras, now. Is that how you’re mean to spell ‘chakra’? I’d look it up, but I can’t find my keyboard. And my phone charger’s gone missing, too. I think I remember seeing it at the back of the wardrobe last week.

Forrás: Unsplash

I’m not sure why I put it there.

Month X. Or is it month Y?

Well, yes, indeed. Y? Why, indeed? It’s all getting a bit boring now. I’ve had enough of this lockdown bollocks. I’ve had enough of fucking Netflix. I don’t know why I settle down in front of the TV...I can never find anything to bloody watch. I spent an hour scrolling through what they had on the menu last night and couldn’t find a bloody thing. They’ve got some shit on there, and no mistake. There was a film from 2005, for Christ’s sake. That’s practically the 80s! Netflix seems to have a policy on queers, too, and that’s starting to get a bit worn...every fucking programme now has to have a certain percentage of queers before it gets the green light. That’s starting to wear thin. I mean, it might be fashionable to be queer these days, but I didn’t realise they were considering making it compulsory.

Forrás: IMDB
Forrás: IMDB

It’s the same with all these fads. God only knows what the trans-genderites are going to do when their fad has run its course. There are going to be a lot of people with more than Frankenstein feet on the beach when we’re next allowed to go to the beach.

Forrás: Flickr

Speaking of the beach, my gut’s getting bigger and bigger.

Forrás: AFP

There’s nothing else to do apart from eat, really. I was quite into it in the beginning, watching and trying to learn from YouTube videos. But that’s finished now. I can’t be arsed, anymore. I thought about baking some bread the other day, but I couldn’t be arsed, so I just had some beans on toast. Ate it in front of the TV with a couple of cans of beer to wash it down. There was something on telly at the time, something about how gay people are much more fun than straight people, or something along those lines. God, this is SOOOOOOO boring now.

I’m so bored, I can’t even be bothered to answer the phone these days. Had a zoom meeting thing the other day. Thank God for the mute button. At least nobody could hear me yawning. Thankfully, I managed to find the button to turn the webcam off, too. I can’t remember the last time I shaved, or changed my pants. I’m starting to look like a plump Robinson Crusoe. I bet if I had a Man Friday, he’d probably tell me to brush my teeth, too. I can’t remember the last time I brushed my teeth, but I just had a look at my tongue in the mirror, and it’s certainly not the colour I remember it being.

Forrás: AFP

What year is it?

Oh God, will it never end? Jesus, this is boring now. Now, before it was boring, this is something else. This is boring to the value of x. Or something like that. More than cubed, that’s for sure. I started to go through my wardrobe the other day. Didn’t finish. Now there are clothes all over the place. On the plus side, I found my calendar. And my phone charger, the new one I bought to replace the one I last saw in the wardrobe. I don’t know where that one went. I didn’t find it when I went through the wardrobe. Then again, I haven’t finished, so maybe it’s in there, somewhere.

I decided to start taking care of myself again. I went out and bought a new toothbrush and some fresh toothpaste. The last tube was, it must be said, getting a bit grim. In order to get all of the toothpaste out, I cut the end off the tube and fished the leftover toothpaste out with the toothbrush. It worked for a while, but the last few times, the toothpaste had dried out, so I had to pour some water in and try to...oh, all right, it was a mess. Anyway, I’m trying to start getting back into some sort of rhythm again. I’ve stopped locking the front door at 3:30 in the afternoon. I got into the habit when it dawned on me that I wasn’t going anywhere because of the curfew, and because of the curfew, I shouldn’t expect anyone. That’s starting to change, though. A load of people have had at least the first jab, and the desire for social contact, real social contact, not the canned variety, is starting to assert its dominance, once more.

Nearing the end, surely!

Well, I’ve lost a bit of weight. Not as much as I managed to gain, naturally, but it’s a start, at least. Social life has to be restarted...only last week I realised how bad things had got: I was unconsciously sorting clothes into those which I’d wear on a day-to-day basis, and ‘Sunday best’. The disturbing thing was that I realised my Sunday best was more or less exclusively reserved for taking the bin out, and dumping the cans and bottles in the recycling bins.

Forrás: Facebook

A new low. And a very low, low, at that.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. If not a bright light, a light which indicates the restarting of socialisation, at least! People are coming round! Friends are coming round for dinner. And even if we’re starting earlier than usual, so that everyone can get home before the curfew starts, we’re going to have an evening of fun and laughter, without those bloody irritating masks! This is akin to being reborn! I’m so happy I could watch that bloody video with Wonder Woman and her Incredible Forehead and her mates and still maintain a half-smile!

I’m dressed, like I would have been a year or more ago, and I can guarantee that everyone who’s coming round will be dressed like normal people, too. Men will have bathed and shaved, women will have bathed. I don’t know, perhaps the women will have shaved, too! I don’t know, and I don’t care! I’ve finally managed to up my game from cheese on toast and beans on toast! Toast is a thing of the past, or a thing of breakfast if nothing else! Real food, real drink, with real friends! Separate glasses for different drinks...just like in the good old days! Forgotten are the recent times when, too lazy to bother changing glasses, I drank everything, from coffee, through mineral water and whisky, from that one glass, soaking it in Cif when it became hazardously opaque!

I can barely wait to awaken tomorrow to a pile of dirty dishes and a hangover. Normal life has been spotted, lurking on the horizon.

Forrás: Unslpash

Now, off to brush my teeth, once more!